Cardinal Rules – And Why You Shouldn’t Break Them

So, first of all, I hope to God that neither of my parents ever reads this particular post. Mom, Dad . . . if you’re reading this, PLEASE STOP NOW!! Really. Seriously. Trust me.

Anyway, I have been single for a long time – so long, in fact, that my ex-boyfriend has now been married for almost two years. As a single woman, I have developed some “rules of engagement” for myself. The first rule: no sex outside the bounds of a monogamous relationship. And I have stuck to that rule for all I’m worth – despite being really tempted on several occasions to break it.

Well, I broke it. And now I’m kicking myself in the ass.

I should probably explain the circumstances. The guy is a friend of a friend who I have known for a while, although on a very casual level. We went camping together as part of a group about a month ago, and we flirted with one another, but nothing came of it. I chalked it up to us both being unrelenting flirts, and left it at that. He’s a really nice guy, very cute (he actually looks the Latino version of my ex, so I guess I have a type), funny, and always good company.

We were drinking and joking around, one thing lead to another, and the next thing I know, we are headed back to my house together. Before I even got home, all I could think was “I don’t know if I really want to go through with this.” But I did. And it sucked.

I will say, with all honesty, that I have a hard time enjoying sex if there isn’t also some sort of emotional connection involved – thus my cardinal rule of no sex outside of a relationship. But there were several other things that really ruined it for me:

• Asking me repeatedly if I liked his penis
• Asking me if I had any thong underwear (seriously, I have an ass like Wyoming wide & flat – I don’t do thongs)
• Using my boobs like those squishy stress relief ball
• Biting my nipples (yeah, no, that does NOT feel good
• Various assorted “performance peculiarities”

Then, after all was said and done, he tells me to call him. I'm terrified that he might want a rematch. My breasts will not stand for it – they spent all day yesterday trying to recover, and they’ve threatened to strike out on their own if I try. And since I love my girls more than anything (or at least any other part of my body), I’m going to have to follow the sage advice of one Mrs. Nancy Reagan – and Just Say NO!

I hope I don’t run into him anytime soon.