Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Cardinal Rules – And Why You Shouldn’t Break Them

So, first of all, I hope to God that neither of my parents ever reads this particular post. Mom, Dad . . . if you’re reading this, PLEASE STOP NOW!! Really. Seriously. Trust me.

Anyway, I have been single for a long time – so long, in fact, that my ex-boyfriend has now been married for almost two years. As a single woman, I have developed some “rules of engagement” for myself. The first rule: no sex outside the bounds of a monogamous relationship. And I have stuck to that rule for all I’m worth – despite being really tempted on several occasions to break it.

Well, I broke it. And now I’m kicking myself in the ass.

I should probably explain the circumstances. The guy is a friend of a friend who I have known for a while, although on a very casual level. We went camping together as part of a group about a month ago, and we flirted with one another, but nothing came of it. I chalked it up to us both being unrelenting flirts, and left it at that. He’s a really nice guy, very cute (he actually looks the Latino version of my ex, so I guess I have a type), funny, and always good company.

We were drinking and joking around, one thing lead to another, and the next thing I know, we are headed back to my house together. Before I even got home, all I could think was “I don’t know if I really want to go through with this.” But I did. And it sucked.

I will say, with all honesty, that I have a hard time enjoying sex if there isn’t also some sort of emotional connection involved – thus my cardinal rule of no sex outside of a relationship. But there were several other things that really ruined it for me:

  • Asking me repeatedly if I liked his penis
  • Asking me if I had any thong underwear (seriously, I have an ass like Wyoming wide & flat – I don’t do thongs)
  • Using my boobs like those squishy stress relief ball
  • Biting my nipples (yeah, no, that does NOT feel good
  • Various assorted “performance peculiarities”

Then, after all was said and done, he tells me to call him. I'm terrified that he might want a rematch. My breasts will not stand for it – they spent all day yesterday trying to recover, and they’ve threatened to strike out on their own if I try. And since I love my girls more than anything (or at least any other part of my body), I’m going to have to follow the sage advice of one Mrs. Nancy Reagan – and Just Say NO!

I hope I don’t run into him anytime soon.


Kate said...

Wow! I am sorry to hear you had such a lousy experience.

I agree with you - no sex without a relationship. I've tried it and it never worked for me.

However, I had to learn the hard way, and tried more than once.
Like banging my head against a wall - actually it was worse than that!

April Elizabeth said...

wow... dude you should do him again. you should school in him in how to please a woman. You would being doing a great favor to society. You can't let that man run lose like that, he's a danger.

what a bummer. sorry.

Helen Skor said...

kate - the worst is when you have to deal with bad sex AND banging your head against the wall (or headboard) all at the same time!

ae - I would love to educate the guy, but there is a part of me, at the ripe old age of 33, that feels like I shouldn't have to train a guy on how to be good in bed. I know that everyone is different, and it takes a while to form that rhythym that eventually develops between lovers, but this was so far from that. I just don't think there's hope.

Laurels word said...

I have the same kind of ass, flat and wide. Needless to say, I don't do the thong either.

At 30, I wouldn't waste my time teaching a guy how to be good at sex. They should KNOW by now. Don't guys watch porn anymore?

After my divorce I had the sex with no relationship. It worked fine for me, but I married the second guy I slept with so I had some slutty catching up to do.

Stumbled on your blog. Are you the same Helen Skor that is a hag on mollygood? Just curious.


Kate said...

Just stoppin by to see how you're doin.


Helen Skor said...

Laurel, I am indeed THAT Helen Skor (the world can only handle one!). Hag? Well, I'd like to think so, but I haven't gotten my official ID card in the mail yet so it's not definite!

And you, my friend, are awesome Laurel of Jim & Laurel of Mollygood election night fame! Welcome!!