I'm Looking For A Few Good Men

Well, not even a few. Just one.

I’d love to say that I’m not all that hard to please and would just be grateful to meet a nice guy who digs on me. But that would be a lie. It’s like that line from Clueless: “You know how picky I am about my shoes, and they only go on my feet!”

So, in order to help weed out the unqualified applicants, I have come up with a list of the things that I am looking for in my partner:

1. Sense of humor: I don’t want to date a clown, but I want a guy who is smart enough to see the humor in everyday things and who can make me laugh about them. Key to this is his ability to not only recognize my sarcasm (which can be tricky) but also not be totally offended by it.
2. Self-Reliance: If you don’t have a job, don’t bother. You don’t have to be an investment banker or a corporate lawyer, but you have to earn enough money to pay your own bills. (I don’t need you to take care of me . . . I can do that just fine on my own.)
3. Hygiene: If you don’t shower daily, then I’m probably not the girl for you. The dirty hippie thing was sort of hot when I was in college, but not so much anymore. I want a guy who is clean, but not overly obsessed with his appearance. If you spend more time on your hair than I do on mine, we are going to have issues.
4. Cleanliness: This is not about your body, it’s about your environment. Will I be able to tell what you’ve eaten for the last two weeks by looking at the dirty dishes in your sink? When was the last time you changed your sheets or cleaned your bathroom? But don’t think I’m a prude. I can deal with messy . . . although it’s not my favorite thing, it is WAY better than dirty.
5. Respect: If you respect me, then just about everything else will work itself out. I learned this in my last relationship. If you respect me, then you won’t expect me to do everything for you like cook, clean, do your laundry, etc., and I’ll have no reason to resent you. We won’t get in fights about differing opinions on politics or finances, even when we don’t agree. Respect is the backbone to any healthy relationship. I firmly believe this.
6. Passing Score on the “Brother Test”: If my big brother doesn’t like you, it sends up a giant red flag. But don’t panic . . . my brother is remarkably easy to get along with. So, if you can’t get along with him, there is obviously something wrong with you.
   

You will probably notice that “looks” aren’t on this list. I don’t care if you’re fat, skinny, balding, bow-legged, or buck-toothed. As long as you are confident with yourself, looks don’t matter. (I’m tall though, so if you have a Napoleon complex, move along!)

Now, please don’t let this list of “demands” scare you. In return for meeting these requirements, there are an abundance of perks that go along with being my significant other. A short list of some of those perks* include:

1. Massages: I love to give massages . . . your back, your arms and hands, your legs, even your face. I have been told by many of my friends and former boyfriends that I give excellent massages because I have really strong hands. As for any thoughts that may be floating about in your head about “happy endings,” remember this: sometimes a massage is just a nice way to wind down from your day, and sometimes it’s a nice way to get wound up for your night. Make of that what you will.
2. Home-Cooked Meals: Whether it’s in the kitchen or on the grill, I love to cook, and I’m pretty darned good at it. But if you love to cook as well, we can take turns spoiling one another. Unfortunately, because most of the guys I’ve dated consider microwaving a frozen dinner as cooking, I haven’t learned the fine art of sharing the kitchen. But I’m willing to give it a try.
3. Intelligence: I don’t claim to be Mensa smart, but I can hold my own with most people. That means that you won’t have to be worried about me saying something utterly embarrassing at your company Christmas party. Holy Juan says that he (and presumably other men as well) doesn’t like women who are smarter than him because they can see through his B.S. That goes back to the respect item listed above. If you respect me, you won’t try to B.S. me.
4. Wit: I have an excellent sense of humor. I love to laugh, and I love to make the people around me laugh. My mom used to tell me that men don’t like funny women. I disagree. The good ones do.
5. Fortitude: I’m tough. I don’t need you to kill bugs, trap mice, build fires, or hang pictures. I can do all these things myself. This means that you aren’t going to hear me whining from another room while you are watching the game to come kill a spider the size of a grain of rice.
6. Sex: I like to f*ck. (Sorry Juan, I just can’t say that with a straight face!) But seriously, who doesn’t enjoy a good roll in the hay? Most guys will tell you they want a girl who’s a lady in the streets and a whore in the sheets. In polite company, women will say they want to be treated like ladies all the time. Just so you know . . . that’s bullsh*t. We like doing it as much as you guys but we’re not supposed to talk about it.
7. Loyalty: I don't cheat. If we get to the point in our relationship that I feel like I need to be with somebody else, I'm going to end things with you first, because there are obviously larger issues in our relationship. I’m not going to try to fundamentally change who you are to make you into the perfect boyfriend. I’m smart enough to know that there is no such thing. Not to mention the fact that one of the worst things you can do to another person is violate their trust. I'm fiercely loyal to my lovers, my friends, and my family.
8. The Boys: I can hang out with your friends and drink and have a good time doing whatever it is that you guys like to do together and be perfectly happy. But I also understand the importance of guy time. And you are welcome to hang out with the boys whenever you’d like, as long as you show me the same courtesy with my friends.
9. Hablo Espanol: I am not fluent by any stretch of the imagination, but if you want to take me to meet your family in Spain or Latin America, I can hold my own. And if you don't speak Spanish, I will make you want to, because it is a very sexy language.
10. Smelly: I have the world’s sweetest dog. She loves everyone, and if she knows I like you and trust you, she will like and trust you too. And Smelly is just a nickname for the sake of this blog. She is actually named after a character that Salma Hayek played in one of her movies. You like her better already, don’t you?
    

So, if you think we’d make a good match, or if you have a brother or good friend you think would like me, send him the link to my page. If he likes what I have to say on here, then he’ll probably like me. Tell him to send a picture of himself standing in front of his car. (I'm kidding.)

[*After receiving some feedback from Holy Juan, I have decided to make a few edits to my “perks” list.]